Here is something I learned last week: Admitting that you feel weak can make you stronger.
After I shared my struggles with the newsletter in the last post, I received messages from various friends. They told me how much my revelation touched them. They shared similar experiences and described situations when they had felt overwhelmed and stressed. They wrote about the ways my newsletter helped and inspired them. They offered suggestions on how I could lessen the stress and cheered me on to keep trying to make it work.
Every message that reached my inbox put a smile on my face; my shoulders relaxed; my energy level got a boost. Suddenly, the weeks ahead that had felt like a maze didn’t look so daunting anymore.
I was surprised by how profoundly the support I felt affected me, physically, mentally, and spiritually. But my experience is probably not uncommon, I suspect. So I wondered what science tells us about the connection between not giving up and social support. How do psychologists explain the effects I experienced?
What does Angela say?
Several years ago, I interviewed Angela Duckworth, one of the leading researchers on the topic of grit. The 52-year-old psychologist is an impressive person. She was a MacArthur fellow (“genius award”), co-founded the nonprofit organization Character Lab, and teaches at the University of Pennsylvania. Growing up with an ambitious father who was disappointed that his daughter was not an Einstein (and let her know this all the time), she has been interested in one question since she was young: Where does success come from and how can you be successful, even if you are not a genius?
Her groundbreaking research, most notably at the famous military academy at West Point, where she followed recruits through the murderous 7-week-training called the Beast, shows that grit plays a big role in having success.
Duckworth defines grit as “passion and perseverance for long-term goals,” as she explains on her website. And she continues:
Grit isn’t talent. Grit isn’t luck. Grit isn’t how intensely, for the moment, you want something. Instead, grit is about a goal you care about so much that it organizes and gives meaning to almost everything you do. And grit is holding steadfast to that goal. Even when you fall down. Even when you screw up. Even when progress toward that goal is halting or slow.
Through her interviews with exceptionally persistent people, Duckworth has identified four essential qualities or assets that characterize gritty individuals. Here is a brief overview from her book Grit - The Power of Passion and Perseverance:
Interest: Gritty people love what they do. They are passionate about and captivated by their endeavor.
Practice: Gritty people say, “Whatever it takes, I want to improve,” and practice systematically and full-heartedly.
Purpose: Gritty people have the conviction that what they do matters.
Hope: Gritty people expect that their efforts can improve their future.
So, where in this concept does social support come in? Tellingly, it appears in all chapters.
Interest: Other people can help us discover what fascinates us and act as role models for passion.
Practice: They can motivate us to practice and cheer us up when it’s not going well.
Purpose: They can remind us that what we do is meaningful and important.
Hope: They can help us to get back on our feet when we fall, and thus help us to keep an optimistic outlook even in times of difficulties.
What a forgetful fish can teach us
Being gritty depends critically on other people, this is a central point in Duckworth’s argument. These can be parents, coaches, teachers, bosses, mentors, or friends. They can provide loving support, give advice, show confidence in you, act as examples and role models, remind you of your goals and past successes, challenge your comfort zone, encourage you to reach high, and cheer you up when your spirit is low. Duckworth calls it growing grit “from the outside in.”
Studies corroborate Duckworth’s point. I will go into this in a future post. But let’s take it a little lighter today and turn to a lovely if fictional example of grit: the 2016 Walt Disney movie Finding Dory.
The movie tells the story of Dory, a regal blue tang who suffers from short-term memory loss and loses her family as a result of this condition. During the film, her clownfish-friend Nemo and Nemo’s father Marlin (which you might remember from the earlier movie Finding Nemo) try to help Dory reconnect with her parents.
Psychologist Caren Baruch-Feldman, the author of The Grit Guide for Teens, uses the movie to explain the importance of persistence, perseverance, and purpose. “Dory was persistent, Dory was resilient, and Dory had purpose,” she writes and explains what kind of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors lead to these qualities.
Furthermore - and most important here - Baruch Feldman highlights the power of family and friends for Dory’s undertaking:
It is important to note that Dory could not have accomplished her goal alone. She had Nemo and Marlin to inspire her initially and then received support from Hank the Octopus. She also had the warm, loving memories of her parents that provided confidence and reassurance. It was by tapping into all this support that Dory could ultimately grow more independent and handle any obstacle she faced.
The psychologist also points out another aspect that I find fascinating: the interplay between giving and receiving support:
At the end of the movie, you see Dory bravely sitting at the edge. What I found striking was that not only did Dory change and benefit from the support of others, but she also influenced others around her (e.g. Marlin, Hank) to be braver, more resilient, and to grow.”
In other words, when we ask others for help and support, it is not a one-way street: Because, most often, not only do we benefit and grow, but they benefit and grow, too.
The thought that my friends and family might profit from learning about my struggles and trying to help me deal with them is intriguing. And, of course, I would be delighted if they reached out to me for support, too, when they face troubles of their own.
Anyway: A big thanks for all your support!
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